I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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