I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Come share oat with me in your robe
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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