I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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