I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
third nipple confirmed
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
