I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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