His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
