Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
