We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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