pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
