i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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