made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
