I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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