If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
