quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize