You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
