Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
