I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
