What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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