If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
