I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
