All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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