She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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