I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
