just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
