I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
