so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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