i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
