FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
