conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
