I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
