Betty ford says i'm here all night
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
