Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
