i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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