You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
