I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
