my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
