I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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