Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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