Four minutes until I can fart!
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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