I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
