Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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