We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize