I'm lost and stupid without you.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize