i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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