so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
