I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
