You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
