i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
