i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
