Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
