Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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