My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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