he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
