stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
