I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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