a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
