Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
