im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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