well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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