while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Randomize
